Toxic Positivity: Is Pretending Everything Is OK Making Us Sick?

Can we talk about how you’re feeling? Not just today, but every other day.

Often when I’m working with a client and they’re getting emotional sharing something personal, they immediately say “sorry” when the tears start to fall. It’s common that people apologise for how they feel, like we’re sorry to be an inconvenience or a burden. I don’t know when this started, but I remember apologising many times myself for being “too emotional”.

These days, on top of apologising for the tears, I’m also hearing, “I know, I try to be grateful and I feel bad for feeling this way but….”

It’s like we’ve forgotten how to be human.

And honestly, if I hear one more person say “just focus on the positive”, I might just lose my shit.

We really do forget that it’s OK to be emotional - actually, it’s more than OK - it’s normal and natural to have a range of emotions.

And it’s OK to not always feel grateful and positive. It’s not helpful to tell someone to “focus on the positive” or “be grateful” when they’re experiencing a negative emotion. Actually, it’s borderline offensive to dismiss the sadness or anger someone might be feeling when you remind them about “the starving people in Ethiopia”, or how “it could always be worse”.

We keep hearing messages like “anger is low vibe” and “sadness means you’re unhealed”, but the truth is, emotions aren’t the problem. Suppression is. Avoidance is.

It's the suppression of emotion that leads to disease - not the expression of it. 

We now have a name for this behaviour: toxic positivity.

Have you heard this term before? It really is a thing, and I see it often. I see it in my clinic, I see it on my posts, and I hear it in conversation. I’m a little over it actually, so if you’re over it too and this resonates, then keep reading. And if it doesn’t resonate, that’s OK too - maybe keep scrolling because I’m in no mood to defend my opinion today.

Toxic positivity is basically the idea that if we just “focus on the good”, everything else will magically work itself out. The belief is that the more we focus on what’s positive, the faster the “bad stuff” disappears.

And look, I’m all for not drowning in negativity, but I’m also a realist. Sometimes life is heavy, and pretending the hard stuff doesn’t exist isn’t my style.

I’m not saying we should sit around marinating in misery - I’m saying we need to stop being dismissive and start actually honouring our real emotions. Because let’s be honest, we’re human. We get angry, resentful, disappointed, sad - and that’s not weakness, that’s life.

I think life is hard enough without being made to feel guilty for having a human moment. I really do think it’s time to start supporting one another to process what we’re feeling, because honouring the hard, ugly emotions is where the real healing happens.

Anger isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a compass. It points to where our boundaries have been crossed, where something’s unfair, where truth is asking to be seen. When we bottle it up just to appear “grateful” or “spiritual”, we lose access to one of the most powerful forces we have - our inner fire.

When anger is met with awareness, it turns into courage. It becomes fuel for change, for speaking up, for standing tall when silence would be easier. It’s not the opposite of peace - it’s often what clears the path to it.

It was anger that got me out of a 20+ year corporate job and pushed me into full time health coaching. It was anger that got me out of a toxic medical clinic and helped me open my own space. It was anger that helped me navigate the lockdowns and step up to support so many people through the mandates. So do I consider myself an angry person? No, absolutely not. Do I feel anger occasionally? FUCK YES. Anger is powerful! It’s been one of my most powerful motivators, bringing about incredible change.

So no, you’re not negative for feeling angry. You’re human, and that’s where your power begins.

Somewhere along the way, we turned positivity into a performance. Feeling angry, sad or disappointed became taboo, as if feeling deeply means you’ve failed some spiritual test. Social media is full of “high vibes only” messages and people pretending they’ve transcended human emotion. But the truth is, most of us are just trying to make sense of it all while feeling the full spectrum of what it means to be alive.

Real growth isn’t about avoiding the hard emotions. It’s about sitting with them, feeling them without shame, and letting them teach us something. It’s about being human without the filter of perfection.

The real essence of spiritual growth is self-awareness and humility. Yet many people get so caught up in their own sense of enlightenment that they lose touch with genuine connection. The humility, the empathy, the willingness to keep learning - all gone.

Awakening isn’t about rising above anyone. It’s about staying grounded while you grow. It’s about learning, unlearning, softening, and remembering that everyone’s path is different. It’s about leaning in when someone says, “I’m having a shit day”, and holding space.

So as we move through this collective shift, maybe the real invitation is simple: stay human, feel it all, keep learning, lead with humility - and let your fire, even your anger, become the light that helps guide the way.